TV Shows »Masters of Horror (Worst TV Show)

Masters of Horror, or as it can be more accurately referred to: Masters of Horrible, is an embarrassment to everyone – especially?to us: fans of horror who end up chronically watching it on Netflix's instant service, hating it and ourselves in equal measure.

The horror anthology genre is not always held to the highest standards (I just rented The Hitchhiker and discovered it's dreadful) but this mess makes me wish the genre would just go away for a few years until someone with a real vision and care takes charge of it. On paper this could have been brilliant: past masters like Tobe Hooper (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and Dario Argento (Susperia) have an hour to scare us within the reasonable budgetary constraints of a Showtime series. Instead every director to helm an episode convincingly proves that they should never be trusted again to do anything ever again.

And the fact that I have personally viewed about 80% of the episodes… maybe I should not be trusted to do anything ever again, especially when it comes to proffering entertainment recommendations on the internet.

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Posted on November 9, 2009

Web Sites »Perez Hilton (Worst Website)

We live in a world where a pig man can gain fame by crudely drawing jizz on the face of pointless celebrities. It's fine to weep.

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Posted on November 9, 2009

Places to Visit »Saratoga Harness Track and Gaming (Worst Place to Visit)

Over all, I had a wonderful time in Saratoga Springs but, despite winning three dollars from the fabulous Glitter Princess slot machine, next time I'll skip out on the carpeted depression that the Harness Gaming Track wallows in. Instead I'll plan my visit around the limited dates of the far classier official racing season.

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Posted on November 9, 2009

Style Icons: Female »Speidi (Worst Style Icon, Female)

They're terrible, sure… but just to be fair I'll let them defend themselves in their own words. These are some of Heidi's:

'Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?'

'I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God.'

'I plan to win an Oscar. I'm very ambitious.'

'I grew up watching Britney Spears. That's someone I inspire to be, you know, like, career wise. I think the world is ready for the next pop star and I'm ready to be the next pop galaxy, so here we go.'

'[Joining the Mile High Club] was maybe the best experience I've ever had in my entire life.'

'I'm more of a modern Mother Teresa.'

And Spencer's:

'Not picking Heidi for the vice president, it's just cold.'

[On Heidi's song, “Fashion”]: 'It's the greatest song of my life.'

'My hustle is just too crazy. I'm trying to take over the world!'

'Anyone in Transformers or Twilight — that's cheating. Because if you give me a billion dollar marketing machine behind Speidi, we would be Obama right now.

'We're just heating up the water in the bathtub. It's gonna get hot!'

'I have never been so madly in love as I am with Heidi. She has the world's greatest boyfriend!'

'I secretly am the hottest rapper in the game.'

'Heidi Montag is the “new, modern day, 2010 Michael Jackson”. Like, Michael Jackson's in heaven. The Holy Spirit now has Michael Jackson juice, so boom! For all we know, Heidi gets possessed with Michael Jackson's divine spirit.'

I'm not often on 'corpulent vampire' Al Roker's side, but I do enjoy this clip.

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Posted on November 9, 2009

Style Icons: Male »Christian Audigier (Worst Style Icon Male)

This is almost too easy. The douche bag empire built upon the 'heritage' of the real Don Ed Hardy (a famous tattoo artist who is not, as one would have to assume, dead – which must make his daily episodes grave-rolling a bit spooky to witness) has become, in the wrinkly, orange and predatory claws of French grossy Christian Audigier a tacky, garish and omnipresent style nightmare… They've even come out with an expansive array of Ed Hardy beverages, including (but not limited to) a vodka (see the banner hanging outside our neighborhood's brightest spot, Club Europa) and a “celebrity” energy drink.

Be sure to watch this Ed Hardy boys video for more laughs at the brand's expense.

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Posted on November 9, 2009

Albums »Glee – The Music (Worst Album)

Glee I have a confession: I like Glee. I think it's smart and funny and every time Jane Lynch is on the screen I am completely happy with the world. However, I spend a large majority of the (hour long!) show either revolted and pushing fast forward or downright embarrassed and looking away (that would be every time Matthew Morrison starts to rap and hip hop dance) because of those damned musical numbers.

I'm sure this American Idolization was a vital component to getting the surprisingly edgy show on the air but the songs (of which there are far, far too many each episode) are a real obnoxious downer… and now they are available in one easy to torture your enemies with CD.

Ever wanted to hear a (more) emasculated version of REO Speedwagon's Can't Fight This Feeling? Glee's got it.

Even worse than the squeaky clean, over produced, Broadway-style trained vocalized cannibalization of songs I actually like (such as Dancing with Myself), the show and its cast are unforgivably responsible for introducing me to popular songs I could have otherwise easily avoided by willfully and purposely not turning on the FM radio. I never had to know about Celine Dion's Taking Chances or Jordin Sparks's No Air and I would have been happier for it.

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Posted on November 9, 2009

Books »Petals on the Wind (Worst Book)

I got into serious trouble once back in elementary school for bringing this V.C. Andrews book, Petals on the Wind, to school and now, years later, I understand why and completely agree with the verdict. I was expecting some melodramatic YA fiction but what I got was queasy grossness by way of glamorized incestuous pedophelia. As a fairly reasonable adult I can not believe that this was marketed so successfully to pre-teen girls for decades. It's an outrage

Picking off where the teen lit (even abbreviated as 'lit' and paired with 'teen', the reference to legitimate literature is misleading) phenomenon Flowers in the Attic left off, the Dollanganger clan is out of the attic and off to follow their dreams of becoming ballerinas and doctors. They meet a seemingly kindly old man who takes them in and… Well, really I can't even tell you what ends of happening, I felt so off-put by the whole thing I actually put the book the book back in my purse and?defiantly rode the rest of the way home with nothing to occupy my time. Worst of all: my copy didn't even have the cut-out cover art!

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Posted on November 9, 2009