At this point, it's more or less common knowledge that John Mayer is the epicenter of the Hollywood herpes epidemic (though this chart, chronicling the spread of Derek Jeter's infection, puts the short stop on top). No smoke without fire, right? I guess my biggest complaint is that I just don't feel like I should have to know so much about him, or see his face all the time.

Not that there's anything terribly wrong with his face (I even know a really great guy who, from certain angles, looks the tiniest bit like him – but I wasn't allowed to tell him for a really long time because it seems like such an insult to be likened to Mayer in any way), but all he's used it for is spewing lousy songs and becoming a famous man slut who has not only slept with Jessica Simpson, but was mature and classy enough to bitch about her on his (does this sound egocentric: “You may have my image, but you cannot take my sound.”) blog after they broke up:

“Dear Ex Lover,” he wrote. “Perhaps you didn't understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I'll do my best to spell it out for you. I do not wish to have you in my life anymore. I don't know how much more clear I can be about it. It would serve you best to move on with your life and find someone who can put up with you, because I'm done trying. I hope this is enough closure for you. Goodbye.”

I also think we'd have a hard time getting along because his tastes are terrible: he brazenly asserts that Guitar Hero was…

“…Devised to bring the guitar-playing experience to the masses without them having to put anything into it. And having done both, there's nothing like really playing guitar. I mean, what would you rather drive, a Ferrari or one of those amusement-park cars on a track?”

And yet he cried after reading The Bucket List script?! Oh, and he has Stevie Ray Vaughn's initials tattooed on his arm! You are no friend of mine, sir.

About all he has going for him in my book is a brief appearance on Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job (he reportedly counts stand up comedy among his hobbies, probably in an attempt to lure some of Zach Galifianakis's tale his way).

I'm just plain sick of the man and I'm bored to tears having to hear all about his boning. It's bad enough having to see boring old Aniston repeatedly appearing on the cover of Vogue, but the cover of Star too?

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Posted on November 10, 2008

Nothing can hammer home your dislike of a particular song more than hearing it on a daily basis can. I have never been a fan of Bow Wow Wow's I Want Candy (though you know I could never say a bad thing about Annabella Lwin, that little stylish vixen), and somewhere in my office that song gets played every day – and even though it's just barely audible, it seeps slowly into my brain like a horrible brain disease. But while doing some research I discovered something far more horrific thing than an over-played annoyance.

This song was covered by Floridian Disney child star nightmare Aaron Carter, also known as Lizzy McGuire's sloppy seconds. It sounds like bubble gum hell – and this is from a girl who likes Hanson.

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Posted on November 10, 2008

I was fairly fortunate this year and didn't end up seeing a whole lot of bad movies. Sure, Sunshine was terrible and baffling, I really don't even want to talk about Mother of Tears, Factory Girl was viewed almost entirely in fast forward and The Happening still has a very long wait on Netflix, so I have nothing yet to report on that front yet, but only two films really deserve to be on this list and I struggled mightily to determine which one would win the dubious title of Worst Movie of the Year.

On one hand there's Richard Kelly's follow-up to the surprisingly fresh instant indie classic Donnie Darko. It was a major disappointment, achingly self-indulgent and overblown. Thinking his work to be so important and worth you time Kelly explained, “Southland Tales was initially planned to be a nine-part 'interactive experience', with the first six parts published in six 100-page graphic novels that would be released in a six-month period up to the film's release.”

It's a mess and a it's shame and it's a total waste of an excellent cast: Buffy, Stiffler, The Rock, Timberlake, and the little old lady from Poltergeist?! Well done, Kelly! But then again, you also indulged Kevin Smith with a long and excruciating cameo. At the same time, there are moments when you really want to give it a fair shake, when you end up making excuses and thinking to yourself, “You know, if this were a completely different movie?quot;

But what's the greater evil, a painful, ego driven journey that aims too high, fails horribly and makes no sense OR a painful, ego driven journey (though not as long) with two booger jokes within the first fifteen minutes?

Perhaps the inclusion of The Love Guru is a bit unfair. Of course it's terrible, the only reason we watched it was to research Jim's ingenious Halloweeen costume. And while we had no intention of actually enjoying it, we were both truly stunned by how far it sank below even our lowest expectations. To put it lightly, it filled me with loathing. Ugh, Depends Adult Undergarment jokes? Really Myers, you sir are no David Foster Wallace! Oh, and why not throw in several exhaustingly boring hockey scenes inbetween piss and dick jokes? In case you were unaware, this movie is about the Toronto Maple Leafs winning the Stanley Cup. Thanks, Mike!

Myers says he's been wanting to do “this kind of work” since he was eight, a statement that makes a lot of sense since “this work” could only be appropriate and entertaining to a very unsophisticated eight year old. Urkle showed more wit. In another interview Myers immodestly claims he's 'Trojan horse-ing the wisdom of the east' – most evident, in my opinion, in the scene where Mini Me Verne Troyer declares, “If I sit here any longer I'll pop my dick bag”, and the scene where a hockey player gets his mojo back and regains his self respect by watching two elephants fuck on the ice.

To call this movie a piece of shit, something the Love Guru himself refers to (in a scene where he wonders aloud if he's crapped his pants) as “monkey monsters”, is an understatement. There are creepy scenes where the full grown head of Mike Meyers is super-imposed on the body of a child; a shot where he literally gets his head stuffed up his ass; and while there's no Kevin Smith cameo (small graces), Fergie's there if you want her – and I know you don't.

The biggest loser in all this, aside from audiences (who awarded Southland Tales with a measly $275,380 at domestic box offices and only another $81,028 world-wide; The Love Guru officially took home certified “bomb” status) is Justin Timberlake, who stars in both. Maybe next time he's a dick to a fan of his music that fan can bring these performances up. But these two films don't just share Timberlake, they both received some really harsh and hilarious words from critics:

Southland Tales:
“I hope Kelly's career survives Southland Tales, unless, that is, he plans to make more movies like this.”;
“When it's not being obstinately stupid, Southland Tales is just difficult to watch.”;
“No amount of reworking could salvage what was a misbegotten and unfunny idea to begin with.”;
“One of the most confusing, ridiculous, pretentious and disastrous cinematic train wrecks I've ever seen.”;
“The actors barely comprehend their lines. The pop-culture references are lame. Nearly every moment falls flat. And it's boring.”

The Love Guru:
“Dismal, laugh-free comedy that's actually painful to sit through“;
“The puerile levels to which it sinks make even Goldmember, the crudest of the Austin Powers movies, look like Brief Encounter.”;
“When not finding new names for willies, Myers – who also wrote the script – devotes the rest of the time to pitiful one-liners revolving around farting, snot and diarrhoea.”;
“No child under 12 should have to undergo it. The same, mind you, goes for anyone over 12.”;
“A film so numbingly unamusing that you seriously question whether you were mistaken to have ever found Myers funny.”;
“The Love Guru is insulting to anyone with a healthy sense of humor and the simple desire to laugh.”
Even porn girls don't like it.

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Posted on November 10, 2008

Desserts category pick for the week of 8/11/08
Here's what I said then:

I've had my share of samples of expensive chocolate bars, the luxury item no economic downturn can seem to halt the production of, but rarely (with my less that discerning taste buds) can I say that they are worth the price?until now. Vosges has many unusual flavors, but the Mo's Bacon Bar was the most tempting for me, and finally, I broke down and bought one at Whole Foods.

A square each in hand, Jim and I took our first bite and were almost left speechless. Before you shun the odd pairing, as Katrina Markoff points out on the back of the bar,”I began experimenting with bacon and chocolate at the tender age of 6, while eating chocolate chip pancakes drenched in Aunt Jemima syrup… beside lay 3 strips of sizzlin' bacon.. I combined the two”

It's one of those ingenious sweet and salty mixes make eating even more exciting. It's also not one of those chocolates that claim to have a flavor, but barely register as that actual taste. You can definitely taste the bacon, and it is real, smoky, apple wood bacon.

Available at Whole Foods and the Vosges boutiques, this bar of greatness will cost you eight dollars, but you can make it last for days. It's just too sensational and rich to eat more than a square at a time.

One of the very best treats I have tasted all year.

Runner Ups:
Bisquick Strawberry Shortcake
La Tur
Queen's Pudding
Oatmeal Cookie Chunk Ice Cream
Dessert Truck

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Posted on November 3, 2008

Laughs pick for 7/14/08
Here's what I said then:

I know I have mentioned the fabulous song Hairdresser that has been shown during the Found Footage Festival and to great effect in the TV Carnage Casual Fridays compilation DVD. At nearly five minutes long ( but feeling like fifteen) it's got to be the most infectious amateur lounge song ever recorded.

Jim and I will just start singing it randomly and then… we just can't stop. I feel bad for our friends that get caught in its wake, especially those that have yet to see it. Well, you don't have to wait to see it anymore, friends. Here is the link.

It comes to the world of youtube originally from the Long Island infamous 1980's cable access show “Starway to Stardom”, a talent show with the requisite cable access wicker, room dividers, and potted fake plants and lots of debatably talented kids and weird adults with accents.

It's a cult phenom among those that grew up with it or have discovered clips, and with clips like Hairdresser and it's lyric “tease a Louise – tease a Louise, she must have been a tease a Louise!” you too are about to become a fan.

Runner Ups:
TV Carnage
Absolut Vodka Ads
Double Trouble Dancers
John Roberts
Photos of TV

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Posted on November 3, 2008