TV Shows »Jeremy Piven’s Jouney of a Lifetime (Worst TV Show)

jeremy piven an asshole in indiaOh how far stars fall when we find out they're huge assholes. Remember when Kevin Spacey, so not the smug uptight guy who would later star in K Pax in an attempt to grab another award, was just a scrappy actor out of nowhere who thanked his mom with earnest glee? Or Paul Giamatti when he was a likable schlep, not a pompous John Adams or everyman Cleveland Meeks (though to be honest, he still seems like an okay guy who's just picking roles in an attempt to make me hate him.)

The worst fallen idol has got to be Jeremy Piven. Once the refreshing, smirking grown kid in Grosse Point Blank and The Larry Sanders Show, he gained great reknown as Ari Gold on the (pretty unbearable) Entourage. Everyone thought he was doing such an amazing job playing a jerk until we all realized it was maybe a bit more real life and a little less acting when he and a rowdy, terrible group of 12 friends ate dinner out at Nobu and only tipped with a DVD of Entourage, getting himself banned from the restaurant.

He dates top models, or correction! He dates the runner ups to Americas next Top Model, he gets in slap fights with Stephen Dorff because he cut in the bathroom line (man, that is the Blood God your messing with!), so why wouldn't we want to be schooled by the self proclaimed “pretty girl” in Buddhist teachings and take A Journey of a Lifetime with him for several hours? Why to hear him complain about how other Hollywood types are shallow because they don't go to India, it could also according to this thread makes a great “drinking game with the amount of times he said “nameste” to passersby – two drinks if he hits on someone inappropriately.”

This guy really out did himself with such a self indulgent joke of a show. I mean, I also caught episodes of Outsiders Inn; the sad, sad reboot of At the Movies (now for idiots! Thanks Josh and Josh); and the decline of HBO – True Blood anyone or how about Tell Me You Love Me?! But Piven's shitty TV show takes the cake.

I have to admit, I did you all a disservice by not watching all of this program – but just take a look at this two minute intro and I think you'll forgive me. At this point, though, I wish I had stuck with it a little longer so I could detail the antics for you, and as of right now the program is not airing on its original network, Discovery HD, anytime soon. But seriously, if it does air again, I'm up for that drinking game – if we can in fact actually keep it on for more than half an hour.

No journey has been this dislikable since his co-star Adrian Grenier made a documentary himself (in which he still managed to be on camera the whole time) about the journey to find his father – I wonder how many twenty year old girls fell into his bed for that sob story.

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Posted on November 10, 2008

Web Sites »Production Lounge (Worst Web Site)

From the first moment I noticed the recently opened neighborhood oddity called The Production Lounge, I talked and debated about it non stop. I had so, so many questions and concerns. Firstly, how can anything like this be created in 2008? The font, the theme, the colors, the everything couldn't be perceived as contemporary by anyone that lived past the year 1995.

More questions and concerns arose after looking at their website, a website that begins with this thing, a video that could easily, without a single edit become a Tim and Eric sketch. As I shared the link with more and more people, they kept asking if there was any way this was one elaborate joke? Look at owner and director of straight to video horror film, Knock Knock, Joseph Ariola and you tell me.

But seriously, crappy chairs (that look like Sims outdoor furniture) and a few tables on a balcony set up to be a VIP section, with bottle service? Really? Just who does Mr. Ariola think his clientele will be? According to this, it's meant to cater to the area's production teams and film nerds. And as for those of you who are production company people, you tell me: would you want to hang out in a production assistant themed bar after getting off your production assistant gig?

And it's bid to attract film lovers is as subtle as Build a Bear workshop is to attracting lovers of teddy bears. I don't care how much of a film nerd you are, I don't think most fans of movies want to be catered to with directors chair stools, bright lights with gels on them and a long casting couch that looks like it might be covered in semen. And this photo was intentionally on put their site in an attempt to make you actually want to go there.

Other photos on the site? Try the models section, a completely unexplained section full of head shots of body builders with fake breasts (not an accusation, we all know real big tits and body building never go hand and hand). You too are encouraged to bring in a head shot, though it's not specified if you have to be a body builder with big breasts. As one friend said, it sounds like “a plan that encourages stalkers and rapists”.

And lets not forget the added bonus, which Joe (I'm going to call him Joe now), describes on his site as “the best of all!” Everything is shot live on camera! What does that even mean? So what, we can watch ourselves share a snide, smug drink “surrounded by crystal chandeliers, TV monitors, tables and chairs” – because what girl doesn't want to be surrounded by 'TV monitors, tables, and chairs?'

And these are just my musings before we even set foot in the place. I booked my friends right away, with the sneaking suspicion that this place was not long for this world.

Soooo, we went for a visit, and yes the place is totally weird and awkward, but our waitress was so completely sweet that I felt guilty making this the worst place to drink (which I expected to – plus, there's kind of a mob front vibe that I might not want to get on the bad side of) so I opted to simply and fairly make it the worst website of the year, though I probably won't find myself drinking here again either.

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Posted on November 10, 2008

Places to Visit »Venice Beach (Worst Place to Visit)

kids happy land venice beachWhen Jim and I had us a trip to LA earlier this year, I was California dreaming about sunshine and good grooves and the Venice Beach Boardwalk was our first stop. There was no sunshine and no good grooves, instead there were lots of junkies and cheap tee shirts. I had visions of the birth of the Doors, healthy skateboarders and those neat hippy porches with surf boards and wind chimes that mesmerized me as a kid when we would visit. The beach and its kooky residents just seemed like such a different lifestlye, you know, one that I found enormously appealing when I was young and could picture myself enjoying – despite the fact that then (and now) I was not particularly fond of being in the water and would never get on a surf board to save my life.

On our more recent visit, a grey sky didn't help and it was definitely one of those situations where the glorfied and possibly confused expectations we held could not match the reality – probably how Californians feel coming here expecting quaint lines for Magnolia cupcakes, sitings of Woody Allen, and glamorous nightlife but end up only seeing Moby and experience subway rides that smells like feces or ketchup (gross right? It happened to me this morning and I can't get over it. Ketchup that smells like ketchup is one thing,?and a fine thing, but a subway that smells like ketchup creeps me out).

Highlights of our visit were: a man on stilts covered in hand made moss and scrouning for tips; a corner where you could find everything you want – kettle korn, shaved ice, sunglasses, a man peeing himself in a stoupor, and probably tetnous; this brilliant tee shirt, “The Happy Fisherman” where a fisherman is receiving a blow job from a fish; and last, but not least, this fall out aftermath of a shop that had the balls to call itself Kids Happy Land.

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Posted on November 10, 2008

Spend a Couple Minutes »Inside an Abercrombie and Fitch Store

abercrombie store modelsAbercrombie and Fitch smells like a Bath and Body Works on overdrive, it sounds like the worst pop station played at My Bloody Valentine decibels, it's filled with the kind of teenage jerks that are into ripped bods and the brand. There are perks to my own job, like shopping, but sometimes I have to get stuff at Abercrombie, which is a definite drawback. It's simply the worst place on earth.

Not only is the store experience a truly, truly, absolutely terrible one, the clothes are dull and purposely cut only for the very thin – they manufacture thongs for children! They make racist tee shirts: “Two Wongs Don't Make a Right”; they discriminate against hiring minorities and unattractives, as owner and notorious weirdo Mike Jeffries has stated:

“We hire good-looking people in our stores. Because good-looking people attract other good-looking people, and we want to market to cool, good-looking people. We don't market to anyone other than that.”

And:

'In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids,' he says. 'Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don't belong [in our clothes], and they can't belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely. Those companies that are in trouble are trying to target everybody: young, old, fat, skinny. But then you become totally vanilla. You don't alienate anybody, but you don't excite anybody, either.'

What a douche!

For the record though, I am okay with their manalog by Bruce Weber, made for the gay man in your life this Christmas.

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Posted on November 10, 2008

Spend a Couple Hours »Street Fairs

street fair tshirtsSwarming crowds, cheap goods, fried everything, bad music: street fairs in New York, which seem to spring up constantly and often for no good reason, are becoming a pet peeve of mine. Now some fairs are fun, unique ones like Bastille Day or the BBQ Block Party come to mind, but most are bland and simply annoying.

It ends up I am not the only one harboring ill feelings, local blogger Gowanus Lounge sited a think tank study a couple years back that concludes:

“The fairs are 'bland and generic' events that 'do not reflect what's unique about New York City.' It finds that fairs are 'dominated by a handful of the same vendors selling items like tube socks, knockoff purses and gyros, and that a surprisingly high percentage of vendors are based outside the city.' The report says the city should make changes in street fairs that would include more city-based entrepreneurs and artists.”

Photo from flickr

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Posted on November 10, 2008

Drinks »Goose Island (Worst Drink)

goose island ipaRising rents have forced the 20 year old original home of Goose Island, a brew pub in Clybourn, to close its doors – and while I hate to kick a microbrew while it's down, I have to include their product on this list.

I seem to always wind up with Goose Island IPA at events where the beer is free, and it's always so undrinkable that I just go without. It randomly winds up on the shelves of my fridge after parties; untouched next to the pre-mixed Bacardi Mojitos, which didn't make this list simply because I still haven't been able to bring myself to try one.

But I do love Chicago and I feel their pain, so I'll be mercifully brief and end this now.

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Posted on November 10, 2008

Desserts »Carob (Worst Dessert)

carobUnexpected taste bud unpleasantness is always unfortunate. Whether you're expecting water and get a mouth full of vodka, or take a bite of wasabi when you think you're getting mint, these things happen; it's part of life. But what's unfair is when it happens purposely to an unsuspecting child at the hands of an adult.

I can still remember the day when some health conscious mom at a birthday party tried to pass off carob as chocolate. Lady, wherever you are, you are one cruel piece of work. Carob is not chocolate and I to this day refuse to eat it ever again after that initial deception and betrayal.

Plus, it's not even better for you – it's actually higher in saturated fats. Take that!

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Posted on November 10, 2008

Restaurants »La Palapa (Worst Restaurant)

la palapaIt's places like La Palapa that give our city a bad name when it comes to Mexican food. Last year the worst restaurant honor went to Bobby Flay's over hyped, bland and expensive Mesa Grill (which is admittedly worse than La Palapa), so maybe there's some validity to our bad rep – but then again, we also boast Calexico, Hecho en Dumbo, and Papacitos, places Flay and La Palapa owners Margaritte Malfy and Barbara Sibley could take some tips from.

Now, maybe it was just an off night – some friends claim the brunch is fairly decent, and the place has managed to remain busy since it opened eight years ago which is no small feat in a fickle restaurant environment – but our experience was lousy from beginning to end, regardless of what this place used to be like.

Margaritas that called to mind the over sweetened junk from Chili's kicked things off in a real bad way. No one was impressed and we all changed our drink orders when offered a pitcher refill. I ordered the michelada, thinking there was no way a restaurant could mess up a beverage that even I can mix perfectly while intoxicated. Surprisingly, they outdid themselves and were able to make this simple, always delicious drink undrinkable. The spice they added tasted exactly like an Ortega seasoning packet, which is a very, very bad thing. The food was unmemorable (at best) and again it just made me feel like I was sitting in a Chili's in disguise, and I was being charged 30% more for the upkeep of the illusion.

Look, to be fair, this place has its fans. Even on Yelp, where people love to bitch, it's got some great reviews (though most are just mediocre) and I actually hate to bad mouth places based on one visit (hence the “worst of” only happens once a year) but for all of us, this none too cheap meal rang out as a major disappointment of the year and not one of our large group had anything to eat or drink that we could ever recommend.

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Posted on November 10, 2008

Style Icons: Female »Brooke Hogan (Worst Style Icon)

brooke hoganSurely we've all become educated and enlightened enough to appreciate the struggles women have gone through to obtain equal rights in this country. It's a lesson retaught weekly on today's most engaging TV show, Mad Men, which delves heavily into our recent past when opportunities for women were limited and social morays were unsettling at best. Not to mention the suffrage movement and the fight ladies like Lucretia Mott and Susan B. Anthony waged to give women the right to vote. Surely all that history and the lessons we've learned from it can't be completely lost on today's youth?

Here's what celebrity skank Brooke Hogan had to say on the subject:

“You know what? I am actually not that much into voting. I think it's kinda crazy that a woman is running, because I think that women deal with a lot of emotions and menopause and PMS and stuff. Like, I'm so moody all the time, I know I couldn't be able to run a country, ?ause I'd be crying one day and yelling at people the next day, ya know?”

Pearls of wisdom from a media whore who wears acid wash denim chaps. I hope I live to see a day when we all tire of the idiot spawn of the rich and famous transforming into minor celebrities simply because they have no shame and will allow cameras the film them anywhere.

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Posted on November 10, 2008

Style Icons: Male »Mystery (Worst Style Icon)

mysteryMystery and “The Game” and all the havoc it has wrought with its self help business seminars on how to sleep with chicks (by making them feel bad) or as their magic bullet manifesto states “eat tacos”, (not, mind you, actually appreciate and build any sort of meaningful or respectful relationship with women as equals) is the thing I hate most on this list. To the point that I'm almost at a loss for words and don't even know where to begin.

It all seems like a joke. How can this man, a manic depressive Canadian magician in a plush top hat, teach anyone anything? It would be nothing but hilarious if it weren't effecting so many sad, pathetic and genuinely lonely men who pay a lot (sometimes as much as $5,000) to learn how to dominate and “get” women. I think it's worth pointing out that Mystery refers to women as “investments”, among other dehumanizing terms.

Fortunately, I haven't been in the scene for a while and I don't get picked up in bars, but a lot of good friends who I care about frequently have their nights ruined by men employing tactics like “throwing negs”, that's when you're a total dick to a girl to get her attention, “You're pretty enough, but you're ears are too big.” I urge all women to immediately mace the next misguided gentleman who throws you a neg.

I laughed when I read that someone had stolen his welding goggles – known to his followers as “flair” for “peacocking”, something stupid you wear to begin a conversation. Conversations that I assume always begin with the woman asking, “What fucking year do you think it is, 1993?”

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Posted on November 10, 2008